It seems as though the world gives the wrong picture of sexual intimacy. In an article by Sean E. Brotherson, PhD, he says, “The incessant chatter and noise of the world, Satan, and related sources that constantly hype and sensationalize sexual intimacy with distorted images of sensuality and misplaced or twisted values and expressions of sexuality.” It is a much more sacred and special thing than this and it is sad that so much of the world plays it off as a simple, no big deal, kind of thing.

In his article he was particularly honest with how he was about to get married and had many questions. As he was studying out these questions he asked his mother and aunt what the experience was really supposed to be like. He said her response, “My mother laughed and said that sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.” Openness and honesty is something that is needed as we teach our children. If we aren’t the ones to be teaching our children, someone else will be and who knows what answer they may give. Turning to the gospel and Christ to get a sense of how you want to teach these things is important. I also like that he mentioned it is okay to talk about these things and read of these things, just make sure you are turning to good sources and trusted adults such as parents. 
I have always been really close to my mom, she has been my rock in life. I remember a time in my teenager years when I had some questions and as I turned to the internet it didn’t help answer my questions, but rather made more confusion. I went out that night and talked to my mom and asked her my questions and told her how confusing the internet and things on there was. She answered my questions, like she always does, and I remember her saying, Just come to me always with your troubles and questions. It is okay to have these questions, that is normal. However, we can’t control all that is on the internet and often times that can get us curious and curiosity kills the cat.

Lastly, I Iove this quote by President Howard W. Hunter, “Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife.”

In any relationship, especially marriage, it is important to see the other’s point of view. I love the quote, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Stephen R. Covey. When we are unable to listen and see the other’s point of view, we feel we are always right and conflict can not be overcome.

In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, he explains that when couples get into disagreement and can’t accommodate, it is called gridlock. This is when, “Neither can make any headway in getting the other to understand and respect their perspective, much less agree with it. As a result, they eventually view the partner as just plain selfish. Each becomes more deeply entrenched in his or her position, making compromise impossible. He explains 4 characteristics that all gridlock disagreements have- the same argument with no resolution, neither can address issue with humor or empathy, become increasingly polarizing, and compromise seems impossible.To overcome he shares to explore the dreams. You choose a gridlock, write down your position without bad mouthing or criticizing your spouse, write the hidden story of the dream and then share them with each other. 

Writing things out is a great way to put to paper your thoughts and emotions. I think it is key to note that you shouldn’t criticize or bad- mouth, this gets you nowhere. This ties in well with respect and pride as I have mentioned in previous posts. When you have respect for you spouse this goes a long way and helps to overcome these hard things. Being humble and avoiding pride is another key to this. Set aside your pride and look to your partner’s point of view and realize that maybe you could be wrong and that is okay. It speaks volumes when one can admit their fault and come to see the other’s point of view.

Gottman, J., PhD. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. [VitalSource Bookshelf]. Retrieved from https://bookshelf.vitalsource.com/#/books/9781101902912/

Every relationship is at risk for conflict, it is human nature. How you cope and overcome this conflict is what matters most, especially in a marriage. In a marriage it is important to realize that there will be conflicts and that there will be faults in your spouse. It is how you react and treat these faults that matters most. It is important when discussing these faults that your spouse knows you love and accept them. In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman had 4 keys to managing conflicts- Negative emotions are important, no one is right, acceptance is crucial, and focus on fondness and admiration. I love these and I want to remember these throughout my marriage as conflicts may arise.

Gottman also said, “Its all too easy to hold a grudge. For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.” I don’t think he could have said it better. I know that in my marriage there are little stupid things my husband does that bugs me and I often let it get to me. However, we have such a strong relationship that it doesn’t last more than five minutes! I am thankful for a husband who is patient with me and pardons me and my faults. I want to work on this and to just realize that he will do these things and change my thinking about them, rather than get upset with him. Gottman shared an example of this in a couple who the wife accepted that her husband would always be running late. So, rather than letting it bug her, when there were important things like a flight they had to catch, she would just tell him that the flight was a half hour earlier than it actually was. 

It is so important to forgive and not hold a grudge. Not only in our marriage, but also in all our relationships with others. Elder Faust said, “Hatred retards spiritual growth.” If we are unable to forgive we will have this hatred in our hearts. We can not grow spiritually in ourselves or in our marriage. There is so much strength that comes from truly forgiving.

Gottman, J., PhD. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. [VitalSource Bookshelf]. Retrieved from https://bookshelf.vitalsource.com/#/books/9781101902912/

“Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.” (Gottman, 83)

In a marriage it is important to make sure that we aren’t prideful and that we are thinking of our spouse. We have to look at how our spouse sees things and realize that they can and should influence us. By this, I mean that in the relationship, both are equal and they should do the decision making together. In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman he states. “Perhaps the fundamental difference between husbands who accept influence and those who don’t is that the former have learned that often in life you need to yield in order to win.” He relates this to if you were driving in the car and come to a blocked off road you need to travel you can either “insist that the offending obstacle move” or you can go around it. Clearly it makes sense to just go around it, and by doing this you are yielding in order to win. This is the same in a marriage. There will be times that you need to yield to win in your relationship and by doing these little things that may not seem like a big deal to you, you can build your marriage and strengthen your bond.

In another book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard

“The modern dilemma is ironic. We are devoted to finding happiness- and we are seeking happiness in ways that guarantee emptiness. To the modern mind, it doesn’t make logical “sense” that if we  sacrifice our own wants and needs, in favor of our spouse’s, that we will find true joy and happiness. It takes faith to believe that “he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matt. 10:39). Without that foundational faith, it’s tempting to do what seems to makes sense-and that is to look after ourselves and tend toward selfishness. When we have tossed sacrifice, obligation, and unselfishness from our contributions to relationships, we have nothing left but an empty egocentrism.” (Goddard, 70)

I know that when we sacrifice our own wants and needs that we are able to find that true joy and happiness. It helps your bond with your spouse to be closer as well as your bond with your children. By putting our families first over these things we are able to build a unity that will be able to withstand trials and tests throughout life. I like that he mentioned we need that foundational faith. Sometimes things may not make sense to us and we need to have and exercise our faith to be able to do things. One last things that Goddard shares is

“The natural mind is an enemy to truth. Each one of us sees our own versions of “truth” and imagines that no one in the world sees truth as clearly as we do. This way of thinking is a pernicious enemy. It keeps each of us from connecting with others and from being taught by God.”

It is amazing what can happen when we stop thinking that our point of view is right and that there is no changing that. This comes down to pride. We must have humility to be able to connect with our spouse and with God. 

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing. (ISBN: 9781441486547)
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books. (ISBN: 9780553447712)

In our crazy lives and with all the things that can distract us in this world, we often, at some point or another, take for granted the things that matter most. The relationship and interactions with our spouse being one of those things. So what can we do about this?

In a marriage, just as any other relationship, it is so important to turn toward your spouse, rather than away. Something that my husband and I have done in our marriage thus far is talk things out. When we have something that is bothering us, we don’t hold it in or hide away with it, we talk it out with each other. In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD, I have been able to see how important it is because if weren’t talking things out it may lead to the four horsemen showing up later on down the road in our marriage. By talking it out, we are turning toward each other.

By turning toward each other you are connecting and as Gottman said in his book, “couples who do so are building mutual trust. Those who don’t are likely to lose their way.” He also said,

“For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship. Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas getaway.” 

He referred to things we do to turn toward our spouse as the same as thinking of money in a savings account in a bank for a rainy day. When we are building up these experiences and things and doing these things to turn toward them, we are building a better foundation for any future hardships that may test your relationship. When you are able to get on this level of a relationship where you are turning nowhere but toward them, this is when you will understand them better. By this I am referring to the times that they may snap at you or say something in a tone that normally would make you get defensive, but instead, because you know them so well and know that they aren’t intentionally meaning it in that tone toward you, you reply back in a way that is respectful and there is not need for any contention. By putting in the time and effort you will be able to reach this point and I like how he mentioned, “..how important it is to be truly present and not split your attention into a million pieces when engaging with someone you love-of any age.” All relationships need that respect and nurture. We need to take the time to step away from distractions and the noise of the world to truly focus on what and who matters most to us.

To have a happy marriage both sides have to give their 100% to the relationship. It takes sacrifice and fidelity on both parts. In the book, Drawing Heaven into your marriage, by H. Wallace Goddard  he says:

“When we make sacrifices, we are following the example of the Savior, who sacrificed everything in order to rescue us. The making of holy sacrifices is full of grace and truth. The willingness to put our preferences on the altar in obedience to God and service of our partner is a sacrifice filled with grace and truth-goodness and eternal vision. Our sacrifices are the key to our growth and eternal possibilities. So it turns out that our sacrifices are not sacrifices, but purchases” (pg 41).

He says this so well and it made me stop to think, what sacrifices am I making for my marriage? I encourage you to think about this and contemplate what sacrifices you are making. Maybe there are sacrifices that you aren’t making, but realize you should be. As he said, when we are making sacrifices, we are putting those things on the altar. This shows a spouse how much they mean to us and how they are more important than other things. When we are putting our spouse first, we are putting our relationship first and by working at our relationship, this is what will build our love map. We are building that deep friendship that truly will help a marriage last through any test thrown there way. Deep friendship as well as fondness and admiration are key in a marriage!

Goddard also talks about making payments in your marriage- relating also to sacrifices. He describes this investment in the following,

“Yet the full experience of marriage will demand regular payments across time. What seemed so easy at first will later feel impossible. We may feel cheated when we discover that this bargain requires so much of us. Character and companionship do not come without consistent investment. Yet, if we continue to make payments on our relationship, we will be amazed what we get for our “sacrifices”(pg 42).

As we ,make sacrifices and put these on the altar, invest our time and efforts in our marriage, and as it says in Mosiah 3:19 “putteth off the natural man” and  “…becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him” we will build marriages that will withstand the test of time. 

The last thing I want to share is when Goddard added, “Obedience also requires that we “love [our spouse] with all [our] heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22)” (pg 45). 

I hope to continue to build on the wonderful friendship and relationship that my husband and I have. We started out as best friends and then dated at the end of high school. We have been together for six years and married the last two of them. I am thankful for my husband and the man that he is. I am thankful for the sacrifices that he makes each and every day. My hope is that our children will look up to our marriage one day and crave that same marriage for themselves.

Goddard, H.W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing. (ISBN: 9781441486547

John M. Gottman, Ph. D. said, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company.” I love this and it makes me so happy to think that true friendship is what my marriage is built off of. Another great thing that Gottman explains in his book is “positive sentiment override”, meaning that in a marriage “their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negatives feelings.” I think that this is so important in a marriage. What you look for is what you are going to find, so if you are looking for the negative in your spouse, negative things are what you are going to find. On the contrary, if you are looking for the positive things about your spouse and the positive things that they do, positive is what you are going to find. 

He tells of his signs that warn of divorce and the second sign warns of the four horsemen and the damage they cause to a marriage. These four horsemen include, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. With criticism it is important to realize that there will be complaints in a marriage, but it is how you go about them. If you just share this complaint with them rather than criticize them, it makes a huge difference. With contempt it is important to not feel the need to be superior to your spouse and to avoid acting like you are. Defensiveness happens and with reason, however, you shouldn’t say phrases that make it seem like your the “innocent victim”. Becoming defensive only worsens the situation and conflict and nothing is solved with it. Lastly, stonewalling which is when one of the spouses disengages from the conversation completely. This results in the one person being more angry and nothing getting solved. 
Communication plays such a big part in a marriage and when there is lack of communication or a lack of understanding your spouse on a friendship level, arguing and fights occur. It is important to stop and look at the others point of view as well.

Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books. (ISBN: 9780553447712)

Today I am thankful…

In a marriage it is important to be on each other’s side and build each other up. To look for the good in one another and to always stay honest and faithful.

In the article “Covenant Marriage” by Bruce C Hafen he said

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” 

What kind of marriage are you in? Hopefully this makes a person stop and truly think about what type they are in and what they need to do if they are not satisfied with it. I was blessed with a husband whom I was best friends with before we dated and we have always been solid. He is my rock and I am so thankful for him. For me personally, I want to make sure that I never take my covenant marriage for granted and that I am always striving to better myself in it. There is so much strength when you put your marriage first and truly respect one another. Brother Hafen does a great job of explaining this in his article, “When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength.” I know I have been blessed to feel that strength when I have needed it most. Not only in life itself, but in scary situations, in times of heartache and grief, in times when anxiety takes over, in times when I feel like I don’t deserve it.

Brother Hafen also talked about 3 wolves that test marriages repeatedly. These wolves included “natural adversity”, “their own imperfections’, and “excessive individualism that has spawned today’s contractual attitudes”. Marriage is constantly being attack by not only these wolves, but also the voices of the world these days trying to redefine marriage. We can overcome these wolves and voices if we take heed to the counsel given by our prophets, apostles, and leaders. We have to choose for ourselves how bad we want it and what we are going to do to ensure that we overcome these things. 

So, today I am thankful. Thankful for my husband, my daughter, and our life together. I am thankful for the covenant marriage that my husband and I have. I am thankful for the relationship that we have, both giving 100 percent. I am thankful for Adam and Eve and their partaking of the fruit so that I can know “incomprehensible joy”. I am thankful for prophets, apostles, and leaders who are rooting me on and guiding me through this life. I am thankful for covenants and the reservoirs of strength I receive through keeping them. 

There are so many mixed voices in the world today and it can get kind of confusing. With the Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015) Supreme Court of the United States case it opened up both sides of how some see it as a right to marry who they want and others thought it went too far. From this it was interesting to see both sides and the things that you don’t think of if you aren’t in this situation. Some of the problems people in same-sex marriages ran into were not being able to be a surviving spouse when death occurs, both partners not being able to adopt together, and their wedding not being lawful depending on the state they are in. Although I don’t have the same views as these people or agree with their choices, I do feel for them and believe they deserve happiness. However, just as I respect them, I hope I would receive that same respect back. There is a point though where we have to make sure that we are getting the point across that we still have our views.

In the talk given by Russell M Nelson, Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage, he said “The day is gone when you can be a quiet and comfortable Christian.” I could not agree more with him. We must stick up for our beliefs when faced with these challenging topics. He also mentioned how there is no such thing as a part time disciple. How important it is for us to be a disciple and stand as a witness of God in all times, all things, and all places. I have a child and family advocacy class this semester and there was a talk given by Elder Holland and in that talk he mentioned a story of a college student who played basketball and transferred teams. Well it came time that his new team played against the team he used to play for and a fan of this team, as well as many of the others at the game, were acting like you wouldn’t believe and really being rude to this student. The kid said “we check our religion at the door”. By this he meant it was okay to lower his standards and to use religion as casual and only show it when he wanted and then forget about it and be a jerk other times. I think this is the same with standing for our beliefs and for standing for marriage. I have mentioned that I hate contention and like to stay far from it. There is a happy medium to this and Elder Oaks does a great job of explaining this when he said, “Even as we seek to be meek and to avoid contention, we must not compromise or dilute our commitment to the truths we understand. We must not surrender our positions or our values.” (“Loving others and Living with Differences.” November 2014 Ensign) 

Neil L. Andersen said, “While the governments and well-meaning individuals have redefined marriage , the Lord has not.” Time and time again we hear that marriage is between a man and a woman. We are taught to guard the family and to uphold them! The world is changing around us, but the standards of the Lord will never change. We too need to keep our standards and beliefs upheld and be that difference in this ever changing world.

Marriage to the world does not mean what it used to mean. In, The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012, it was mind boggling to see the numbers and changes that have been made over the years. Anymore, people see cohabitation as an easier solution and don’t want to put in the time or effort into making a marriage work. It is so sad to see and it affects these children that are being raised in these circumstances tremendously. In The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2012, it stated that ,”Cohabiting couples who have a child together are about twice as likely as married couples to break up before their child turns twelve” (Wilcox, pg. 8). It also went on to explain that children in theses situations are more likely to do the same when they are older, as compared to those raised in a marriage who are more likely to have more stable relationships and got to college, etc. When thinking of all this is makes me sad to think that these children aren’t given the best chance they can get.

I absolutely loved the quote by President Kimball, “…only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” Isn’t this the truth. I have a child and family advocacy class this semester and it got me thinking a lot about the voices of the world and how distorted many views are today. I am not one who likes contention, or any attention at that, and making a blog is taking me well out of my comfort zone. I am a friend to everyone and even if I don’t see things the same way as some people or agree with things they do or say, I am most definitely not one to make them feel less than or judged in any way. However, in this class it has helped me to come to the realization that there are so many different voices and opinions out there portraying different perceptions and ideas of marriage and the family itself that if I, and those like me- who believe in a marriage and the family, it being ordained of God, and of it’s importance in His plan, don’t speak up for what I do believe in; it will get wiped away by all the noise of the world. We have to stick up for what we believe in and protect our families because this world is changing fast and it will only get worse.

Wilcox et al., Why Marriage Matters, Figure 2, “Percent of Children Experiencing Parental Divorce/Separation and Parental Cohabitation, by Age 12; Period
Life Table Estimates 2002–2007,” 44.