John M. Gottman, Ph. D. said, “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company.” I love this and it makes me so happy to think that true friendship is what my marriage is built off of. Another great thing that Gottman explains in his book is “positive sentiment override”, meaning that in a marriage “their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negatives feelings.” I think that this is so important in a marriage. What you look for is what you are going to find, so if you are looking for the negative in your spouse, negative things are what you are going to find. On the contrary, if you are looking for the positive things about your spouse and the positive things that they do, positive is what you are going to find.
He tells of his signs that warn of divorce and the second sign warns of the four horsemen and the damage they cause to a marriage. These four horsemen include, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. With criticism it is important to realize that there will be complaints in a marriage, but it is how you go about them. If you just share this complaint with them rather than criticize them, it makes a huge difference. With contempt it is important to not feel the need to be superior to your spouse and to avoid acting like you are. Defensiveness happens and with reason, however, you shouldn’t say phrases that make it seem like your the “innocent victim”. Becoming defensive only worsens the situation and conflict and nothing is solved with it. Lastly, stonewalling which is when one of the spouses disengages from the conversation completely. This results in the one person being more angry and nothing getting solved.
Communication plays such a big part in a marriage and when there is lack of communication or a lack of understanding your spouse on a friendship level, arguing and fights occur. It is important to stop and look at the others point of view as well.
Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Revised). New York: Harmony Books. (ISBN: 9780553447712)
Marriage 